I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
