We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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