Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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