tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
there is glitter all over my balls
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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