I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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