everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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