remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Do you have feelings for this penis?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
