It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
