I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
