6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
