my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
