Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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