I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
he shaved USA in his pubs
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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