Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
