The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
So I just went to clothing optional bar
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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