Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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