FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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