fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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