why do cheetos always look like penises
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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