i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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