You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
