New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
