I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Randomize
