He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
