Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Just pee around me
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
