my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
