I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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