I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
