i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
