Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Randomize
