Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
