OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Semen is not good for contacts.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
