The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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