I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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