You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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