That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
