I wish I could teleport
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
