i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
