please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
