bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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