my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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