theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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