I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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