Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
