bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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