Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
