1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
My ass is underappreciated
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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