So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
50% drunk capacity currently
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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