I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
