I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
